Guess who’s pregnant?

Listening to: Eva Cassidy
“Sometimes you picture me, I’m walking too far ahead.”

Perspective is a funny thing.

It can be swayed by so many factors -
Tone of voice. Angle of observation.
Where you stood when it happened, how it sounded when you heard it.
Who told it.
How you perceived it when it happened or when you heard it.

Perception itself can be influenced by many memories -
Coloured by old and tattered baggage, prejudices ; old and new.
And let’s not underestimate good old fashioned bitchiness.

So really there’s a whole layer of processing that goes on when you hear a story. The more people’s lips the story has rested on and passed from, the more it would have been flavoured with the individual’s biases, changing the story based on how they would have perceived it.

That is how gossip is born and why it is seldom unsullied.

So is it better to listen to gossip but leave it unspread? Or not to listen to it at all? We all know the famous, “I’ll tell you something, you don’t tell anyone.” Under that passionate veil of  secrecy, most “untold secrets” are told quicker than you can say hotcrossbuns.

And how easy is it to listen to gossip about someone and then to forever  look at that person and realise your perception about them has changed, even a little? How easily our perception can be altered by one story told under the vow : I’m not supposed to tell anyone this, but I’m only telling you,  so don’t you tell anyone.

So unlike the buck, where does the gossip stop?

Lola

It’s a funny thing, nostalgia. It comes as swiftly as it disappears and in that instant, a thousand memories come and go in the blink of an eye. You are left reeling in its wake, a little shell shocked at the speed and yet you are fully aware of what has just happened. The effects are all too familiar and heady, leaving a soft spot in your heart and mist in your eyes. Almost undetectable, and yet entirely unmissable.

You are a different person now and yet in that instant, you are transported back to exactly where you were when you left the memory.

The little girl in the polka dot dress.
The teenager studying for her exams, surrounded by chocolate wrappers.
The young woman crying at her graduation.

All those years ago seems like a dream now but it really did happen. It was I who made all those choices and decisions that lead me to where I now sit in front of my computer. And if I were to meet myself as that little girl in the polka dot dress or the adolescent struggling through puberty, I would hope that she would be pleased to see how she turned out along the way.

I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life but God has been so good to me such that He has guided me to a lot of good things too, despite myself, and He has helped me learn from my mistakes (hopefully). I may not be the best version of myself at the moment but I do feel like it’s a work in progress and right now, I wouldn’t exchange places with anyone else in the world.

That’s a good place to be in, I think.

If You Say So

Listening to: St. Lola in The Fields
“Unless you want me to, do you want me to?”

Currently Reading: Duma Key by Stephen King

Yes it is true.

I like to wash my hair at one in the morning.
I can (but try not to) finish a Cadbury bar in one sitting.
I enjoy alternative music.
If I can get away without brushing my hair in the morning, I do not.
I cannot hold my alcohol.
I occasionally snort when I laugh.
I am not cool.
I detest dog ears in books. Absolutely. Not. Always. Bookmark.
I babytalk to my dog.
I have never been for a massage.
I manifest verbal diarrhoea syndrome when tired, nervous or overwhelmed.
I sing in the shower.
I can be sarcastic but I immediately regret it and try again. A work in progress.
I cannot tahan Kristin Kreuk / Lana Lang and Horatio Crane.
I make lame jokes and laugh at it even when nobody else is.
I try very hard to be mature but sometimes, it slips away from me.

And yet love me or leave me.

There are things I can work on and others that are just plain me. If I begin to pretend to be what I am not and can never be, then who am I, really?

Now pardon me while I go dry my hair.

So in the words of the wonderful John Mayer
“Better to say too much, than not to say what you need to say.”

Red lights

Sometimes, when God closes a door – as in, firmly latches it shut with no possible way of going through it – I feel grateful because I know He’s going to open a window somewhere, if He hasn’t already done so. No questions asked.

If there is anything I have learned up until this point it is this – sometimes, we can try to be all we can be and still feel like we haven’t accomplished anything. And then, we try to be who God wants us to be, and suddenly the world opens up in front of us and the light comes streaming in as you stare, open mouthed and in awe at the change in your predicament.

When all it took was one decision to stop resisting and to be what you were always meant to be.

This Jesus

Listening to: Making April
“I’m finding refuge in your eyes.”

Currently reading: Life of Christ by Fulton J. Sheen

I was born and raised a Catholic but to be quite honest, although I have to say that I have always loved Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour I have never quite learned how to respect him for the Person that He is.

Reading Life of Christ has brought to light so many truths that I have merely skimmed over in the pages of the Bible but failed to ponder deeply upon until today. This man that impacted the course of history so greatly such that time would forever be divided into the events that occured before (B.C.) and after His coming (A.D.)

Sheen discusses that Jesus’ entire life’s purpose was His willing and neccesary death. He seemed to be the only man who lived in order to die and yet He did not just live for the sake of dying, as though he were a walking dead haunted only by His eventual death.

Everywhere he went, this Jesus seemed to embody the Being and Love of God Himself. Jesus Christ was a man of great dignity. He spoke the truth at every occasion and he lived among the destitute and cast offs of society. If he was live as a man, he would do so in a way that would allow men of all circumstances to relate to him. And he showed that there was no situation where the Justice and Love of God could not prevail or would be forced to bend to demands of evil.

He taught his disciples all the Truths he had learned from His Father and taught us by example how to handle temptation from the devil – by wielding the Word of God with sure strength, faith and authority. He fought for those whom the world had neglected and abused and Jesus was both Tough Headed and Soft Hearted. Doreen Irvine discusses that this is a neccesary combination as Jesus was swift to uphold the Will and Law of God but was swifter yet to dispense love and mercy when required.

This man turned the world upside down by disputing previous claims and worldly cliches by exhorting men to present their cheeks instead of fists and to love our enemies, rather than hate them. And not only did this man talk the brave talk, he walked the long hard walk to the Cross. He turned his cheeks to those who would abuse him and he prayed for them while they jeered at him, languishing on a cross, naked under the scorching sun, convinced that they had put him there, but unaware that he had gone to the cross with a willing heart for that had been his entire mission.

Jesus Christ was a man of strong will, receptive ears and a soft heart. The devil offered him many detours from the cross but Jesus remained focused. He prayed constantly and consistently showing us the importance of remaining in a close relationship with our Father in Heaven from Whom we can draw certain strength and guidance. Indeed, many a time I have emerged from prayer peaceful, refreshed and strengthened, often equipped with new perspectives and revelations from the Spirit.

Most of all, Jesus was a man of great Love. In fact He embodied Love because he was God’s love for man made flesh in His son. He showed his love for everything and everyone he met, no questions asked. True he reproached those who strayed but only because he sensed where the work of evil reigned supreme and he despised the evil that dragged the beloved children of God through the dregs and pits of darkness.

Jesus revealed many Truths throughout his three year mission and both his death and resurrection lent incredible weight to his words. Suddenly, they weren’t just claims anymore, his words were now Truth. He was the only man whose death did not mark the end of his works and words, in fact they only served to glorify and fulfill them.

Jesus Christ is the only man who claims to be the mediator between man and God. The only one who says that he is the way to God rather than by just pointing a figure and saying, ‘there is your way to God.’ He lived among men but was not merely man – he showed them that it was possible to have a relationship with God because He had now come to live in their hearts, and was not just present as abstract words on a tablet of stone or on the pages of a scroll.

He obeyed His Father and willingly subjected himself to every pitfall of man and emerged victorious.

So if you ask me why I believe in Jesus Christ it is because this is a person that I know I can trust. His very words and actions convince me of this. This is a person I know who can lead me to eternal happiness.

This is a person who can understand my struggles with temptations and my fears and my weaknesses and my pain because this is a man who has experienced it and who tells me it is possible to overcome it and furthermore, that he can help me! This is a person who tells me that he can grant me an audience with my Maker if I just ask it in his name and I believe him because God himself parted the clouds and announced his Sonship very publicly on several occasions.

This is a person who can lead me back to my God. This is a person who defied human expectations and clumsy tradition and misguided attempts at love. This was someone who loved without strings or conditions. I do not need somebody who promises to love me no matter what and then casts me away when I am enmeshed in my own sins.He wasn’t superficial and easily conformed, He stuck to His mission and remained strong in the Lord.

He rebelled against evil and fought for the Kingdom of God with force and authority. That gives me security because who can find stability in a wishy washy reed of a hypocrite that could not dispel evil? This was someone whom demons fled from and nature obeyed without question. Clearly He was God.

This is somebody who never compromised on evil. And I need someone like that who will show me what is black and white and stand by it no matter the cost – sin is sin no matter how gray the world paints it to be. I need that because everything in the world is so contradictory, messed up with the devil’s half truths and whole lies.

Jesus was a classic example of what happens when a man refuses to bend to darkness, all of evil revolts on him. As Sheen says very accurately, evil welcomes mediocrity. This explains why there is so much inner resistance when we seek to live and walk in the Light. You’ve got no chance to survive when you speak the absolute truth in this world. It shuts you down with labels of bigotry and narrow mindedness and silences you with a social death. But this Jesus – he taught the truth, spoke the truth and died for the truth. And then God fulfilled this truth by raising him from his temporal death.

This is a man who promises me a life after death and he did achieve it because who could keep the son of God entombed when He is life itself ? He promises me a respite from my sinful earth bound body by salvation of my eternal soul.

This is a man who had a clear purpose in life which was to do the will of His Father and he stuck by it in pure faith in God. This shows me that all my life is a Purpose waiting to happen. The divine planning invested into Jesus’ birth, life, death and resurrection and thus the deliverance of an entire mankind was too intricate and purposeful to be mere coincidence and chance. No! That life is nothing but coincidence is another lie of the devil.

This Jesus told me that he came so that I may have life and have it to the fullest and I find that when I entrust my life into his keeping, this is exactly what I experience! It is only when I try to run my life on my own that I end up in emotional shambles. Since this man is telling the truth, this seems to be a man I can trust with my life.

Most importantly, this Jesus was not just mere man. He is Divine, the word of God made flesh. Thus this casts an even brighter light on all of his claims! In this light, he is not just a good man who trusted his god. This is the Divine Son of God, who gave up His inheritance and came down to my level for no other reason than to buy my freedom and give me life because He loved me.

He teaches me such wondrous things that my weak human mind is not worthy of and that my shallow understanding will never to be able to grasp anyway. So to help me, He sent me His Spirit to help me, to reveal the truths of the Spirit of God to my own Spirit.

He gave me all of Himself and all that He asks is that I trust Him. Not for any carnal satisfaction of power but because that is the Only Way by which I can fully live out my inheritance as a daughter of God.

This Jesus.
Even as a man, I would gladly trust him with my life.

But He is also God.
And as such, I would also trust Him with my death.

My roses come free

Listening to: Jackie Wilson
“Everyday that you’ve been gone away you’ll know why my heart does nothing but burn, crying.”

Ah, Valentines.

The above is part of a series of anti-Valentine statement tees from StyleList Fashion Blog and if you’ve heard me dribble mindlessly about its current commercial value and how it has been become a money making propaganda for a lot of companies causing me to firmly believe in not subscribing to it, it’s okay, I just woke up from a two hour afternoon nap and I’m not feeling alert enough for commercial bashing.

(Actually I’m feeling very guilty because I had a heavy late breakfast and this is a cardinal rule if you’re planning to have an afternoon nap – nevernevernever on a full stomach, ESPECIALLY not after rice! and I’m eating a fruit salad now in an attempt to ease the guilt.)

Hence we took all these things into account (economic downturn, roses you can practically buy with the downpayment of a house, expensive Hallmark cards) and made an informed (albeit lazy) decision as a couple and brought a whole lot of take out and frappucinos back to the house and pigged out in front of Rush Hour 1 & 2 in ratty shorts and uncombed hair.

(Because can you believe it I’ve never seen any of the trilogy until this year when Rush Hour 3 aired on cable and it freaked me out – it was hilarious!)

So yes, it was lazily planned and executed but as the boyfriend said, I mean I don’t care how or where we celebrate it, I just want to spend time with you.

Aih, I don’t ask for Shakesperean sonnets but these are like Barathian haikus or whatever that he spouts every once in a while when I’m not nagging him to assure me that he’s listening to me go on and on about whatever political issue is festering.

Because as much as I nag and act all nonchalant (it’s a huge character flaw I know), I do love him intensely.

So yes, Happy Valentine’s Day you guys. Remember it’s all about the love and if you couldn’t be with your loved ones for some reason, love shouldn’t just be a one day celebration. We have 364 other days in which to show the ones we love the way we really feel. And money should not be the only way to do it.

And as my friend Cheryl so eloquently put it once, there’s so much hatred and suffering in the world that any day to celebrate love is greatly welcomed!

77 times 7

Listening to: The Perishers
“I choose to be my own.”
Currently Reading: The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova

I wrote an entire post filled with pretentious bullshit, published it and then deleted it.

I was watching Ugly Betty and girlfriend can sure be feisty!

She is so honest sometimes that it makes me a little jealous. I mean, to be self-assured enough to open your mouth and tell someone exactly when they’re stepping over your toes without worrying about how it would make them feel. I mean if you think about it logically, why should we be concerned about how they feel when we’re just telling them oi, get off my foot, I’m in pain!

Versus the silent, oh shit, should I tell them they’re standing on my toes? Maybe he’ll notice in time. Oh wait never mind, I don’t want to offend them, I’ll just bear the pain, oh fuck it hurts.

If life is for the living, shouldn’t we just live instead of always doing it enshrouded in a cloak of fear and uncertainty?

Christ said, love your neighbours unconditionally. Forgive them, He said. How many times must I forgive them, his disciples asked, seven times? And He said, Seventy times seven times.

In Israel, the number seven means totality. In essence this means, we must forgive, totally and without condition, no matter what it takes and how many times it is required of us. If forgiveness is sincerely sought, we should not keep that request ungranted, lest we ourselves do not receive pardon from God for our own sins.

So the term forgiveness I understand but does that include taking a back seat to everything? Keeping silent no matter the cost? What if our dignity was at stake? What about our faith? Jesus always stood up for injustice, He spoke both boldly and righteously against the many sins of humanity.

I admit, I find it easier to gossip about a person’s faults rather than face them head on but clearly I should be taking a page of out the Bible and either stand up and say something or choose not to say anything at all. It’s easy to be a coward and suffer in self-misery, it takes pure guts to tell the truth and face the consequences.

For Jesus, the consequence was, well the cross.
And even on that cross He didn’t hold back, Father forgive them for they know not what they do, He said.

Jesus never held back, He gave freely and completely of his love and forgiveness and courage. And we, how petty we can be with what matters, our love and compliments and truth. Such misers, when all is given to us in abundance. And indeed, we should give and give all the more.

Luke 6:38 (New International Version)

38 Give, and it will be given to you. In good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

I don’t quite know how to end after that.