Exchanging hearts

I’ve been avoiding writing this post for some time now. For a little more than a week to be exact. It’s not so much that I’ve been in denial but more so that it’s taken me some time to really come to terms with it. I’ve been living in a shade of surreality for the past week and it’s only now that I’ve strung up the courage to write this.

Barath and I are no longer in a relationship.

Wow. No matter how many times I write that it still looks awkward. Suffice to say that this was probably the hardest decision either of us have ever had to make. And we had to make it a mutual one. It’s one thing to end a relationship with someone when you fall out of love or the other person is being treated badly. It’s quite another thing to have to end a relationship because both parties realise that neither side is able to be, or to give, what the other party wants of them.

It isn’t easy to give back a heart that you have had in your keeping and nurtured for close to seven years.

I know a lot of people probably already know about it but I figured by writing this post that I can finally take the next harder step and move on. A fresh start. Hence the new blog layout. It’s not that I’m trying to erase him from my life – it’s just the first attempt at moving on.

The end of our relationship was sort of like a death for me. I guess it also follows that with every death, there has to be a mourning that ensues before life can begin again.

A lot of people ask me how I’m being so strong about this. Trust me, that’s just a facade. There are moments when the emptiness is more than I can take. Understanding that this is a process that we both have to go through in order to come out on the other side, does not make it any easier.

I’m glad that at the end, it was mutual and it was amicable. Nothing could have been worse than if it had ended horribly. But hugging him goodbye and knowing that it would be the last time I ever would, had a ring of finality to it that I did not expect to be as painful as it was.

I have to say that I will never regret the years that we spent together, after all where we are today is because of where we were in the past. I just guess that now that God has helped us close those chapters, it is time for Him to write new chapters for us.

Thank you to everyone who upon finding out, understood how difficult it was for me to talk about it in person and so took time out to send me texts and find me online to keep me company. Thank you for your kind words and your virtual hugs and your assurances.

Thank you for your prayers; God has been a constant source of strength to me and He is the only one Who has been holding me up through this entire ordeal. He also gave me a family who stands by my side and shares my mad moments and lends me a strength that on my own power, I do not possess. God bless them.

So I guess there’s not that much more to say. But I guess what I will end this with is with a phrase that has given me more strength in the past few days than I could ever imagine.

“Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.” Psalm 125:1

I guess as with all things, this too shall pass and only that which should, shall endure forever.