When you say nothing at all

Listening to: Earlimat
“The shadows of doubt on how things turn out is typically gray.”

It’s that time of the year.

I’m badly waiting to be done with this and go on a much much much deserved break. Nowadays I constantly look like I’m in need of a shower, I’m unkempt, messy and in need of a good grooming, bed and spa treatment. If someone places a ten ringgit note in front of me when I bend down to tie my shoelaces in public, I wouldn’t blame them. However in 24 sweet hours I’ll be done with this.

I will officially be a Bachelor of Biomedical Science (BMedSc) (Hons.) graduate. It took four years of my life to come to this and I had to do it in two continents and on a scholarship. My next career plan is to try and apply for a PhD and hopefully if I get an offer I’ll finally be paid to do research and at the end of 3.5 years, the PhD will be a passport for me for any job scope within my field.

I do have one thorn in my side, though, and be warned, this is a fairly big one.
When people ask me what my career plan is and I tell them about possibly continuing with a PhD they immediately get a WTF look on their face and they say something inane like, what? Study again? Is there no end? And then they turn to look at my mother as though she’s just announced that I’ve decided to eat my own baby.

And to all those people I would like to say quite humbly, whathefuck, back. I do not understand such reasoning.

Let me clarify.
A PhD (which is a Doctorate of Philosophy for you cretins) in science does not entail a bunch of students sitting in a classroom studying endlessly. It’s a research project that is planned, perfected, troubleshooted and reported over three years or so. It is hours of toil and labor and learning and lessons and heart ache and small successes and finally you become a master of that area of research and you learn so much more than by just sitting in a class room for hours. Due to the amount of hours spent over this project, a PhD scholarship is awarded so that you are paid as if you would for a full time job, because it literally does become a full time job. You go for conferences, attend seminars, training, workshops – the whole nine fecking yards.

It is approximately a 3-4 year commitment and as such many people decide to work for a while before they decide whether or not they want to do their PhD. Fair enough. However, being the commitment that it is, I would prefer to do my PhD now while I have the time and energy to devote to it. Besides, it is something I truly want to do. If I can find the right project, supervisor and lab, I will continue on with my PhD.

It is not an easy peasy lemon squeasy kind of affair that you do just because you’re afraid of entering the work force and quit living on your parents money – well, not until the local aunties come along and wag their fingers at your mother and announce that they have deemed it unworthy.

Well excuse me, but if you don’t understand fuck, don’t say boo about it.
I seriously cannot stand it when people criticize that which they do not understand and gossip about it at bus stop stands. Besides wet toilet seats, that is seriously becoming a pet peeve of mine.

Oh and by the way, some people wear their hearts (and unfortunately their distaste) on their sleeves so obviously that I wonder if they have ever heard of the word tact. Is a PhD so bad? Have I inadvertently announced that I am planning to shave my head bald and call myself Roland? (which honestly isn’t so bad either although my mother may choose to disagree)

Oh and another thing. This business about them saying I must be confused about my life direction and therefore am too afraid to go into the working world so that I’ve now decided to continue studying by doing a postgraduate degree. Pity her, couldn’t make it abroad so she came back and now she can’t start work, she’s going to study something new.

Exfuckingcuse me. Pity? PITY?

I have worked too hard and too long for some ignorant (insert obscenity here) to tear it down to : She couldn’t make it.

The only reason you should pity me was that I was not there to hear those words come out of your own mouths. A PhD is not for the confused or pitiful or lost or aimless. A requirement for a PhD in Australia (which is where my degree is based) is a three year undergraduate degree (BSc) and an additional honours year based entirely on research (Hons.). An entire year. And since I could not afford an additional year overseas, I was awarded a scholarship to do it at an Australian university branch here. All so I could continue with a postgraduate degree if I chose to, which I now would if I am given the chance.

Sigh. I don’t mind if people don’t get it, it’s okay, we’re all ignorant about some thing. But do not judge that which you do not understand. It seems that the further out of high school I go, the more it seems to catch up with me.

I apologize for what appears to be an entire post filled with my own excuses but I think this deserves to be said, if not for any one else’s benefit, but for mine. It’s been a long hard four years and I spent a lot of it grappling with my own insecurities and fears and turmoil. However I came through it quite well, by the grace of God, and I am finally done. The last thing I need to deal with are people who feel the need to tear me down just because I am now 23 and have not turned to wedding manuals or a nice cushy office job. I apologize for not having the right words (re: tact) to say all this as coolly as possible, but then again, tact was never one of my fortés.

So I’ll say it like it is.

When you have nothing nice to say, do as Ronan Keating once advised in a song when we all thought he was over and done with Boyzone, say nothing at all.