Lower me down

Listening to: James Morrison
“When you’re lost and alone, guess you think it was the last place you come back for more.”

Who would have thought this day would come so soon? The day when I wake up and realize it’s going to be almost over. And that once again I will soon stand at a crossroads and ask God what He wants me to do next with barely an idea of what He expects of me. I think I may have made the mistake of telling too many people too many different things of what my plans are because I myself am unsure and maybe telling them those things would have made them get off my back. Call it lying, but I call it stalling in the name of peace.

So yes, I am almost done and yet it seems much too far away. Most mornings I still wake up with a sick feeling in my mouth and I force myself out of bed. Other mornings I wake up without a thought in my head. But it’s a rare weekday that I wake up and tell myself I can’t wait to jump on out of bed and get to work. Maybe it’s because I’ve been doing this for much too long without a holiday to speak off. Just a few sick days and it’s been back to work, Monday to Saturday.

It’s gotten better though, I now don’t kill myself with guilt if I have to walk out at 6.30pm and all eyes are on me. I just pick up my bag, turn off my PC and walk out without so much as a glance back lest I turn into a pillar of salt. Thick skins are a necessary commodity, I think.

It’s not as bad as I make it out to be, the fact that I moved back home to do my honours is something I will not regret because having family and friends to buffer me through this entire process has proven invaluable. I have learned that despite everything I have feared, I have been forced to face each and every single fear, and have learned to handle it quite adeptly, I have learned to do things I would never have known I was capable of. Of course this is purely God’s grace because on my own, I am a stumbling oaf, but with His hand guiding me, I am made somewhat competent, if not more.

So I do not fear the panel or my committee of judges. As far as I am concerned, I worked my ass of this entire year and I have done every single thing within the time afforded me. Forget politics or petty details, I may feel alone but the one fundamental fact of life is that, the nearness of God should not be a feeling, it should be a fact. Something you belief despite what you think you cannot see. There is much that the human eye is unable to see and a lot of the times we make the mistake of pinning what we feel on what we can see but once we begin to trust, we realize we can hold on much tighter than we imagined. Like air, you can’t see it’s there but because you know better you don’t walk around afraid you will be unable to breathe if you decided to inhale.

Like someone once said, You don’t know God is all you need, until God is all you’ve got.

Somehow, and DESPITE myself, He has pulled me through.

While I dragged my feet and curled up in a fetal position and would not budge, He pulled me up and pulled me along until I could will myself to start walking on my own. And every day that I drag myself out of bed, it is only because He is gently nudging me out as well. There’s a reason I’m here. I am right where I am meant to be despite what I may feel. I know, I am where I am supposed to be. Faith is the opposite of ’seeing is believing’. It is believing despite not seeing.

Or something a bit more profound than I am able to elocute.