beeswax

“I owe so many people for so many other people’s gifts and I have exactly RM4.50 plus some loose change in my wallet at this very moment.

So, if I owe you money and if I forget (bound to happen!) remind me please and I will not impetuously ignore you and conveniently forget about it.”

This has been a public service announcement from Felicia.

Who by the way fell asleep on the back of her hand in her cubicle for ten minutes and proceeded to dream, in that time, of Shannon Doherty’s Brenda from Beverly Hills 90210 singing The Wreckers’ The Good Kind (which was playing on my iPod shuffle at the time).

Yeah and one more thing. Gossip often starts with the following solemn pledge: “I tell you something, you don’t tell anyone ar?” Or some variation of it. Most of the gossip will go on to be interspersed with proclamations of I’m not quite sure la but I think so and you didn’t hear it from me but yes that is what I think happened‘ and I know right?

The latter because gossip is often if not scandalous – I mean who wants to hear about what someone did to someone else unless it included a child out of wedlock, an affair, bitchslap or catfight?

All conversation with be highlighted with wide eyes, raised eyebrows and O-shaped mouths and often forks suspended in midair between plate to mouth. And every now and then shakes of the head, smirks and catty laughter. Omg, to think she did that looks.

You can tell when a group of women are gossiping about someone else, there is a wicked air of tension so thick you can slice it with a knife. Women, in my own personal experience, can be complete and total bitches, it’s not something I am proud of but I think as emotional as we are, most of our battle tends to ensue on the emotional warground as well.

And those cuts never heal.

Hmm. Let’s end the day on that note shall we?

Backspace

She checks each word, each sentence, each phrase, frantically reviewing each meaning and obsessively pondering over what it could mean. Is that right? Is it wrong? Where’s the term of endearment? What does it mean? How do I make sense of what is seemingly so straightforward? What am I missing out on? Am I overdoing this? How can this word be interpreted? Or misinterpreted?

She stops in mid-sentence and wonders if it could be possible that she is finally losing it.

She looks at the single paragraph she has managed to analyze enough to write a 100 page thesis about.
She realizes she needs a life.

And so hits ‘delete’.

make my day

Currently Hooked on:
The Honorary Title – Far More

I figured that since I dramatically memorialize long moody and droopy posts, it should also be important to note when I have good moments.

For instance, right now, I’m happy.
Break out the banners and the sweat pants!

It may be a transient feeling but I think even joy in transience is precious. For someone who has had quite a few harsh lessons in growing up this year, I think I’ve learned how to count my blessings. I mean I always have but when they become sparse and few and far between, you learn to treasure them more instead of just tossing it aside with the rest of the good moments and wage war on the world when it’s not looking good.

I may theorize on all the things I don’t understand and write long philosophies on why things should be this way and not that but at the end of the day, you don’t have to be able to rationalize something in order to be happy with it. It’s a feeling that just is. And although it may have been that pat on the back you were waiting for, or a compliment you didn’t expect or the fact that you woke one morning and you just felt it was going to be a good day; I like those feelings.

People use words like, ‘it made my day.’ So if a little bit of happiness can make your day i.e. make it complete, then it means we’re not all looking for something big and ostentatious to make us smile and fill our hearts (although that can, too). If happiness can make us whole, then it may be all we need. Even though there may be times when we don’t necessarily know that that’s what we need and we madly pursue everything we want. I think the point I’m (desperately and probably horribly failing) to make is this – turns out it doesn’t take much to make me happy. Maybe it was the chocolate cake I had earlier. Or the fact that it’s the weekend and my boss is out of town and everything else work related just generally feels ok. Or that I’ve started reading again and am finally hooked on something that doesn’t allow me to put it down (Stephen King). Or that my iPod is on a particularly good shuffle right now (Erykah Badu).

I don’t know, I think it’s a cumulative effect of all the small things that independently would probably not amount to much. I don’t know, and again, I don’t mind the cause, I just love the effects.

It doesn’t matter.

I’m happy, and it’s a good feeling and I am grateful for it.
That’s with a capital G by the way.

Oh and can I say, the Aussie swimmer, Eamon Sullivan, is just too delicious for words.

Mmm, I think that just about sums it up.

Carray

Currently Reading: Lissy’s Story by Stephen King
Listening to: the Pena Cola song – Rupert Holmes
“Yes I like pena coladaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!”

Day 1: Bad day.
Day 2: Worse day.
Day 3: Burst of one ray.
Day 4: Sort of okay day.
Day 5: Getting better day.
Day 6: Maybe this will be the best day.
Day 7: Thunderstorm.

And repeat Day 1.

Rays are good.
They make you remember that you are doing at least some things right.
And that you do not have a bipolar disorder.

fugging bored

Why is it every time I start reading Go Fug Yourself I feel like finding a picture of some terribly dressed poor unfortunate unsuspecting celebrity and pasting it on my blog just so I can meticulously abuse every single item on their body and keep saying how even in their wildest dreams they could never pull it off as well as Joan fugging Rivers (because come on, it’s Joan freaking-fringe-of-Moses’-robe Rivers). But really all I can find on my own are immaculate pictures of everyone, even Paris Hilton. And everyone knows how much I love her. Therefore I couldn’t blog about how I hate seeing people wearing sunnies indoors, like HELLO, do you know how dorky you look? Or how awful it looks when girls wear t-shirts disguised as dresses or shorts that barely cover their cellulite or rear ends. Or love cushions. Or whatever politically correct term an ass is called these days. I heard a yoga instructor call it a seat once. “Please place your hand on the right side of your seat as you twist around gently.”

………………………………… Yeah I know.

So then I was thinking of blogging a really emo post (even more than Gan ) – like tug at your heart strings and ask you to contemplate exactly why people who work on the weekends for no other reason than to work is Completely.Devoid.of.Soul. But I couldn’t because (a) I’m not feeling really emo and (2) I do come in on Saturdays occasionally so that’s that.

So then I started chatting to Michelle about my theory that rich people secretly hire staff to just sit around and tell them how awesome they are while they wear their Harry Winston tiaras and bask in the glow of their own awesomeness. She doesn’t believe me but I’m telling you, if I thought it, someone else with money would have thought it too.

So yeah, no pictures, no emotions, no money.

And for some reason began talking to Trevor about virginal cows.

No, don’t get me started.
‘Cause I think I scared him off with all my talks about going to McDonalds and not knowing whether or not to have fries with my McNaughty.

Hmm, now how do I sneak out of here unnoticed?

iKnow

Why MSN is not good when it comes to intonational expressions.
This is me and my fren chatting about Haley from One Tree Hill on MSN.

I say:

i didnt actually like her in all the other seasons

I say:

i duno why

I say:

only this one

18:39:43*~….NISH.…~* says:

well first season was good

18:40:04*~….NISH.…~* says:

then she became some cheerleader

18:40:13*~….NISH.…~* says:

popular girl

I say:

i duno how a tutor did tat but ok

18:40:29*~….NISH.…~* says:

but yeah i like her in this cool mommy role

18:40:30*~….NISH.…~* says:

it’s suits her

I say:

hahah ya

I say:

and then

I say:

she was a bit like Lana Lang in the third season

18:40:50*~….NISH.…~* says:

u know!

I say:

like all married and pregnant and straight A student in high school

I say:

LIKE WTF?

I say:

i know?

18:41:46*~….NISH.…~* says:

figure of speech in tone of exclamation “you KNOW!!!”

I say:

i know what

18:42:16*~….NISH.…~* says:

no no

I say:

know no?

18:42:25I say:

18:42:30*~….NISH.…~* says:

i was responding to ur comment

I say:

what comment was tat

18:42:46*~….NISH.…~* says:

with the exclamation… u know..

18:42:52*~….NISH.…~* says:

nevermind

I say:

no no in response to what?

I say:

what did i say

18:43:04*~….NISH.…~* says:

clearly msn is not good for the intonation of conversation

18:43:20*~….NISH.…~* says:

okay

18:43:40*~….NISH.…~* says:

but yeah i like her in this cool mommy role
*~… .NISH. …~* says:
it’s suits her
Fifi says:
i duno how a tutor did tat but ok
*~… .NISH. …~* says:
u know!

I say:

but i DON’t!

18:44:16*~….NISH.…~* says:

my ‘u know” was an exclamation

I say:

why do YOU KNOW?

18:44:24*~….NISH.…~* says:

u’r not supposed to know!

18:44:33*~….NISH.…~* says:

it’s me saying… u know like yeah totally how did she manage that

I say:

then why did u say u know if i’m not supposed to

I say:

anisha

18:44:51*~….NISH.…~* says:

okay, think black mama accent

I say:

this looks pointless

18:44:53*~….NISH.…~* says:

hmmm girl u know!!

I say:

OH

I say:

-_-

18:44:59*~….NISH.…~* says:

yeah…clearly!

I say:

i got it

18:45:05*~….NISH.…~* says:

HAHAHAHA

18:45:51*~….NISH.…~* says:

well…only took me 15 minutes to explain it!

To tell you guys the truth, I don’t really know.

thePDL

Listening to: Aretha – Freedom
(and how appropriate)

Amazing how liberation (or even the possibility of it) can put a spring in your step.
I’ve seriously had such a bad run over the last few weeks. I have been depressed more times in 3 months then I have ever been in an entire lifetime. I realize now that besides just fulfilling our life’s purpose, happiness should be one of the primary goals of life. I mean, the Bible already states loud and clear, why slave and slave today for what does not matter when tomorrow you may not be here to enjoy the spoils?

Yesterday, I had a few revelations and a few things clicked into place.
And I realized that I may not be as trapped as I thought I was.
I don’t think men were made for their spirits to be broken – that is of our own doing but not our ultimate purpose in life.

If I want to be happy, then I need to take steps of my own to make that happen.
I cannot just stick in the flowery background and hope I blend in enough to ensure a semblance of contentedness. I am tired of being complacent. Tired of being broken. Tired of feeling helpless. God help me rise up because I cannot do this on my own but thank you for the glimpse of light that makes me believe it is possible to get the hell out of this.

Nobody can tell me I am not good enough because I am good enough.
I was expressly made for His purpose.
I have self-worth.
I have dignity
I deserve appreciation.

It is nobody’s right to decide that if they can’t give me that, that they have the right to break me down in the process.

I think in a way we are all searching for the path that will lead us eventually to the ultimate purpose God has already predestined for us. It’s a struggle for some, some find it naturally, others resist it brazenly for awhile but then eventually get back to it, there are those that never find it. But there’s always a second chance where God is concerned, there’s always free will. I don’t know if I am even that much closer to His purpose but I do know He has a Hand in everything I do. So I have faith in Him.

Since I started reading The Purpose Driven Life, I have had new clarity, or maybe even a new realization of a clarity that got clouded up over time. It’s about a reorientation of focus back to why you live your lives. Or rather for whom. Because we all do it for someone, for God, for ourselves, our parents, strangers. But we all live for someone.

Who and what you live for determines in the end whether you eventually fulfill the purpose you were specifically made for. The Bible says that “The Lord gives perfect peace to those who keep His purpose firm and put their trust in Him.” That is what I am trying to make my life about lately and it hasn’t been easy but it has been easier to hold on when there is a focal point in the horizon.

So if it’s all about free will and choices – this is what I choose.

I choose to be happy.

I choose to continue to surrender my life to His Will.

I choose to trust in Him.

I choose to be free.