“I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do.”
Wonderwall – Oasis
Currently Reading: The Chocolate War
There is a certain time every year where I get a little… spaced out. When I start to just walk around in a haze and do things on automatic, sleep at odd times and practically have an out of body experience – all the time.
This isn’t the most optimal mode to be on when you are needed to be at your most focused. For example, last year I was sitting for my first semester exam of my final year i.e. Fail and Your Entire Transcript Might As Well Be Shat on by Dogs. Yes, I used the word “shat”. Deal with it, ma – your daughter is not a lady. I practically sat for my entire exam in a blur dizzy abducted-by-aliens-type haze.
I walked into that exam two minutes before the start, which wouldn’t normally happen as on exam days I wake up so pumped I am there an hour earlier. I fell into the nearest possible seat and whispered to my friend, literally: “I am so fucked,” and it was one of the rare times that I really felt so.
I answered each question by beginning with a blank mental slate, put pen to paper and the words flowed but I didn’t know where they were coming from. I sat for that exam as though I was on some kind of hallucinogen and walked out equally undisturbed. I don’t know what happened to me that day. I must have made some sense because I did well for that exam considering the cloud of smoke that I was in the entire time – once again proving that God helps us when we least expect or deserve it. After that exam I slapped myself back to reality which was kind of hard because the haze was a numbing experience and sometimes it’s safer to just be unfeeling then to be open all the time to the shit people have to dish out.
But it’s no way to live, I realise when you stop feeling, you close yourself off to all other kinds of fulfilling experiences as well – moments that make us grateful or humble or loved. Moments that keep us from completely checking out of reality and into Hysteria Lane.
I think momentary hazes are the mind’s way of protecting you from trauma or stress that it feels the body will not be able to handle until the opportune time. Unfortunately it can get a little too comfortable in this land and there is a danger of wanting to stay there forever.
I feel one of those stress-inducing haze moments coming on again.
I’ve realllly gotta snap out of this.
I’m so sick of all the price hikes and now they’re talking about not allowing credit cards to be used at gas stations. So everybody’s just gotta be carting around money in their pockets now, is it? It’s bad enough the crime rates here are so high, now you’re just handing out people engraved invitations to rob you at petrol stations? Who is benefiting from this – there must be somebody or this would not have been implemented. Whoever it is, it’s not your so called rakyat.
Yeah a random selingan but this has been really bugging me.
And then just generally on non-political aspects – I’m really tired of people who take other people for granted. And people who let themselves be taken for granted. And people who sit around mindlessly talking about money and how much they want to make because of all the stupid things they want to buy – look around you, life is worth so much more. And those who just whine constantly about how they think they’re not good enough, face it, if you don’t think you’re good enough, no one else will. So just step it up and work it out or stop complaining.
And hypocrites who just judge you for things they do just as equally. And I’m tired of routine and of people saying I’m not really working just because I’m still technically a (research) student – I’d like to see them wake up at 630 in the morning and trudge through a day of endless work and constantly juggle and trip and stumble and drop the ball and not earn a single penny through it all. And OMG it really annoys me when people sit around and talk in their own language when you are right there in the SAME CONVERSATION and they don’t even consider that you may not understand it – they just drop everything we’re talking about and start off on their own language and you’re standing there wondering wtf do I do now? That is SO fucking RUDE and I don’t think people know how unbelievably uncultured they are being when they do that.
Do the words “multiracial society” ring a bell?
Look it up.
Now you tell me, do you think there a reason I check out every once a year?
I’m surprised I don’t do it more often.
eeeeee
Good luck for your exams, Yowie, seriously, I know what you’re going through.
