Trainwreck

Listening to: This is the Last Time – Keane
Currently reading: The Tea Rose

WARNING: Major ranting ahead with uber negativism. It’s a night for Keane and the Mirrorball album. If you’re all glitter and glamour tonight, move along. The following is a trainwreck of despair and self-pity.

“Try to stay awake and remember my name - everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same.”

Stupid spam. For the millionth fricking time – no, I don’t want to enlarge my penis OKAY?

I’m in a really bad mood today. Which is a drastic change seeing as how I wore my No Fcukin Worries t-shirt to uni last week. Today was more like a Don’t Fcuk With Me t-shirt day. Nothing and I say nothing, could have cheered me up. I was so depressed I almost cried in the uni cafeteria OKAY? Like, how Broadway right?

Then to make matters worse I watched a relationship crumble before my eyes after only one week of infancy. 

Australian Idol sucks the big one this year, if possible there were three outstanding contestants in the top 24, the other 21 who brought their game faces to auditions decided to leave it at home on the one night that was supposed to count the most. And then Australia put through a lot of those people and left some really big talent in the stands. And I know you like her Yowie, but I have to honestly say, Lana? Really?

And the judges, snore - Can someone get Mark Holden a card with a bad joke limit please, because seriously, he’s running way low and needs some boundaries.

Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be talking so much if I didn’t vote but at 55 cents a text (or something) I think I’ll just stick to moodily scowling throughout entire performances at a stretch.

Yes I know I get passionate about a lot of things but fuck you, if they’re big to me what’s it to you? Go save the world and solve world hunger and then come talk to me about priorities.

I think today was the day I took off my rose coloured glasses and realised that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t how how to get there. I feel hollow and desperately need to find some perspective here otherwise I’m going to be a drag to be around. I’m in my final year and I love uni and don’t ever want to leave it because this is my comfort zone and who the hell knows what else is out there.

So yes, all this angst is projecting from a much deeper place of confusion and well, for lack of a better word, adolescence almost. It’s nothing to do with Idol or uni or whatever else seems minor at the moment. I was in a dream-like haze all of last semester, this time it almost seems as though I am passively resisting it. Does that make sense – passive resistance? Doing something without really doing anything at all?

I don’t have it all together the way a lot of people assume I do, it’s a daily effort and then one day it all comes crashing down around you and it’s time to start again.

And I am fully aware that many may think my problems are chickenshit compared to theirs but really - my problems are my shit and that’s what makes them special to me. So get some flying lessons and buzz off if you can’t handle that.

It took me so long to figure out that this is what I wanted to do and now that it’s time to make a real go of it and make some new decisions. And again I feel underprepared, overwhelmed, out of my league and all around messed up.

These are the reasons for me to cheer up by tomorrow:

1. It’s 27 degrees – beach weather. Skirt-wearing weather. Thongs, finally.

2.
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I got nothing else. What do you have?