Guess who’s pregnant?

Listening to: Eva Cassidy
“Sometimes you picture me, I’m walking too far ahead.”

Perspective is a funny thing.

It can be swayed by so many factors -
Tone of voice. Angle of observation.
Where you stood when it happened, how it sounded when you heard it.
Who told it.
How you perceived it when it happened or when you heard it.

Perception itself can be influenced by many memories -
Coloured by old and tattered baggage, prejudices ; old and new.
And let’s not underestimate good old fashioned bitchiness.

So really there’s a whole layer of processing that goes on when you hear a story. The more people’s lips the story has rested on and passed from, the more it would have been flavoured with the individual’s biases, changing the story based on how they would have perceived it.

That is how gossip is born and why it is seldom unsullied.

So is it better to listen to gossip but leave it unspread? Or not to listen to it at all? We all know the famous, “I’ll tell you something, you don’t tell anyone.” Under that passionate veil of  secrecy, most “untold secrets” are told quicker than you can say hotcrossbuns.

And how easy is it to listen to gossip about someone and then to forever  look at that person and realise your perception about them has changed, even a little? How easily our perception can be altered by one story told under the vow : I’m not supposed to tell anyone this, but I’m only telling you,  so don’t you tell anyone.

So unlike the buck, where does the gossip stop?

Hop

1 Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails

9 For we know in part … 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.

But the greatest of these is love.

Skype unto others

Listening to: Kanye West (altho I think what he did to Taylor Swift was NOT cool)
“See I know my destination, but I’m just not there”

Now for those of you who know me, intimately or otherwise, you would know that tech support is the least of all my strengths along with painting and crotcheting of any kind. I can work a computer in its basics – I can send emails, stalk people on Facebook and charge my iPod.

That’s it.

Ask me to do anything fancy like write something in like Java Script (or whatever) or even like, hook up my PC and I’m like.. call a technician honey, there is a reason I did not enrol in computer science.

So it was to my extreme surprise when my aunty asked for my help to hook her up with Skype.. as in, the whole deal. Now that part was fairly easy I suppose, you just install a webcam, download the programme, install yada yada and bam! You’re Skyped in! So I agreed with minimal hesitation.

Now, it isn’t fairly complex if only you have good broadband speed. Please don’t ask me what that optimal speed is, all I know is whatever she had was the opposite of optimal speed.

Probably noptimal speed (i.e. not optimal).
Forget that, moving on.

It took us ages (3600 precious seconds) to download the program after many hangs and restarts and just when I thought we were at the last stage I almost died when I saw the words more than one hour to go.

After awhile we just sat there, my aunty and I, barely exchanging a word just watching with bated breath as the tiny green bars for installation creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeped on from one percent to the next. I literally grew old. It was like sitting in the land where time had stopped.

After I had turned fifty years old, I told her I’ll head back for lunch and come back once the more than one hour to go was down to you are now free to go.

She too, looked relieved at not having to stare at me staring at her computer screen. After I had gone home and was sufficiently fed for battle, I headed back to her place and finished the installation and taught her how to make a test call in preparation for the video call with her daughter in Australia whom she had not seen in two years.

Later that evening, the horrendous event of aging twenty years in twenty minutes sufficiently wiped away from my memory, was brought back to life when she called back and said they could not get video or audio!

Feeling slightly like an doctor on call, I grabbed my toolkit (well not really, just my wallet, keys and phone) and rushed out the door, slightly tremulous at the thought of having to sit for another two hours in front of the computer. The problem however required only a slight settings change and within minutes we had successful transmission.

When I saw the way my cousin was crying when she could finally see the aged beloved parents she had not seen in two years, my own heart swelled with emotion and I knew – all my hours of whinging and premature aging, was worth it if only to see how happy it made them. My aunty hugged me fiercely in thanks and I knew then, I would have gladly done it all over again.

This episode comes at a very opportune moment because it ties in with something we were discussing at our Young Alpha discussion group last week.

We had to discuss the topic of generosity and how difficult it can be to give sometimes. However, if it is true that everything we have comes from God, then if we are open to sharing with others all that we have (responsibly), then we become like open vessels which is then free to receive more from God.

The bible says that giving has a threeway effect – giving joy to the giver, the recipient and is pleasing to God. I could see how giving is good for the person receiving it and of course God is naturally happy when His children share with one another but was a little unclear as to how it would give any obvious joy on the part of the givers themselves.

As grating as it was to die a slow death at the hands of low broadband speed, the hours I had spent at my aunt’s place slaving with what little IT skills I had, was repaid in full when I saw the joy that I had played a part in giving them. It was worth it, and I would do it all over again. Not only was giving my time rewarding to them, but it was rewarding for me too.

All I had asked was how, and God showed me in a matter of days. It is true, giving gives joy to the giver, the recipient and to God.

How humbling is it to know that all we have to do is ask from our God and He gives so openly and yet how distressing it is when we are unable to give, that which is not even ours to begin with, as openly with others?

And you guys, my more experienced IT comrades who do this on a daily basis, helping people connect with each other – God bless you guys, for as small a part as you may think you play, you may be the one person standing between a child who has not seen her parents for years, who has the power to change that.

So go, give and get connected already!

Ttul

Listening to : Jesse Ruben
“She said I love you, don’t say that enough.”

I always keep text messages that denote a particularly significant or funny event, anything that captures a moment or a feeling. It usually makes me feel all warm inside to go back and read some of the more special ones, like rereading old letters or looking through high school yearbooks.

As I was deleting some of the more annoying Maxis network messages, I began scanning some of the old text messages that I had saved, some out of fondness, others because they reminded me of an event in my life.

When we were surprising my mother with a birthday cake, my brother’s job was to light the candles in his room and bring it out at the moment when she would expect it the least. When he did not come out at the time he was supposed to, the following text message helped clear things up:

Matches can’t light…help..

From Linnga: Hi Felecia..hru? wanna ask yu, is it u in today’s Star Edu paper? Hope to cu more in it, ur the 2nd among our friends after Cheryl to appear in the newspaper bec of ur achievement..best wishes 2u. I think we should collaborate in upcoming research hehehe.. tc.

From Yow: Feli!! My poster won TOP SPOT!! Thank u v v much for your help and advice I havent seen u on9 for so long

From Chris who was at a boring seminar: U seriously would not want 2 b here.

From Trev: Check out today’s NST page 54. (Will not go into details of what it was here but suffice to say, it was worth it)

From dad: Amoy, sms me when ready (Yea, it’s my dad’s term of endearment for me)

From Unknown: Congratulations! Sim Card Anda Telah Berjaya Memenangi wang tunai RM 25,000 dari Petronas! Sila call di Talian 012-xxxxx334 Terima Kasih. (I didn’t really win anything but it’s nice to hold on to a dream).

From mom after she had gotten back from a medical test: My doc says all clear, praise the Lord. Tonight pizza!

From Melissa: Hey love…thank you thank you. I’m engaged!

From Cheryl: .DAVID COOK WON!

From Tim after he had proposed to his girlfriend : Feli! SHE SAID YES!

From Kavi before my final honours presentation: Hi felicia, kavi here – my phone’s cranky so I’m using my mom’s. Wanted to wish you all the best tmr, stay cool and you’ll be fine. Then you can convince me on Friends!

From Judith: Hun. I heard ure sick, more like I read, cuz I just read mel’s blog. hru??

From Gan and winner of most random text message: I like alcohol.

From Eneeshia who was trying her best to convince me to go New Year partying with her: Oi. Come la.

From Chris who was trying to do the same, was more convincing: Dont be a poop la.

From Joshua: E’time I feel sad I just read those words you wrote for me and I feel ok again

From my Aunt Lorraine: Was walking home today and the thought of you made me smile. Love u to bits my angel!

From Kelvin: Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

From Anisha: Are you able to come online 2day? I need a good conversation to bring me back to the world of the living.

From Yvette: YES, I’M ENJOYING MY W’END. TX FOR YOUR TIME AND UR LOVE. TALKING TO YOU LAST WEEK WAS CHICKEN SOUP FOR MY SOUL. AM VERY GRATEFUL. GOD BLESS U AND I LOVE YOU (Her caps lock button isn’t working very well)

From Navin: Hey just woke up and saw your msg. It was a story worth telling over and over ;)

From Jason: Feliciaaaaaa (Okay this one probably wins Most Random Award)

From Beverlyn: Guess wat im doin? Clearing n packing my whole room to move and i stumbled upon a card tat u sent me 4 my 21st which u were in aussie. Touched! LOL.

And after about five text messages each asking me if I had heard that Michael Jackson had died, I found this from my mom:

Even in the darkest moment, trust, don’t let go of faith.

To everyone who has ever sent me a text that uplifted me and let me know you cared or even just made me smile, I thank you for making my day.

Scatterbrain

I wrote half a post before I decided to scrap the whole thing and condense it to a few manageable dot points.

• I will be away in the UK for ten days. Now I really admire those bloggers who so wonderfully detail their trip in a myriad of photos and funny posts. I am not one of those bloggers (I have neither the strength, the effort nor the passion) but have determined to change over a new leaf – or at least try. Therefore depending on time and internet availability, I may or may not do a mini travel log. This will of course also depend very heavily on whether or not I am feeling up to it at the time. But I am bringing my camera along and hopefully will do some sort of picture coverage.
• Too many people have passed on in the last few months. Why is that? It is leaving me upset and a little paranoid to be honest.
• I sent my dog for grooming and he hates to be sent away (even though it’s for his own good but do you think he cares?). When he returned a few hours later, he gave me major attitude. As in, he turned a deaf ear to me when I called, practically turned his back to me and went to everyone else. I had to do some grovelling before we patched things up. My parents always grumble that I spoil my dog rotten and right now I’m starting to believe it; you know something is wrong when your own dog is capable of making you feel guilty.
• I may have overpacked for ten days. I can’t help it, I always overpack. Wish I were the efficient sort who mentally itemizes their clothing, sorts out different combinations that work for every day, end up bringing one pair of jeans and two t-shirts but look fabulously churned out for every day of their trip. I on the other hand, have currently packed twenty tops, two jeans, sweaters, four scarves, boots and my iPod. I may have to reorganise soon.
• Zee Avi is fab. Thank you, Kelvin.
• I apologise for the random scatter that is my post. My eyes are bleary and I am in need of sleep. But – have to head out soon. And then, repack. And then reweigh. And then, remove more clothing. And must not forget underwear.
• Need a PA. And maybe more coffee.
• That’s it. I’m going beddie bye bye.

Lola

It’s a funny thing, nostalgia. It comes as swiftly as it disappears and in that instant, a thousand memories come and go in the blink of an eye. You are left reeling in its wake, a little shell shocked at the speed and yet you are fully aware of what has just happened. The effects are all too familiar and heady, leaving a soft spot in your heart and mist in your eyes. Almost undetectable, and yet entirely unmissable.

You are a different person now and yet in that instant, you are transported back to exactly where you were when you left the memory.

The little girl in the polka dot dress.
The teenager studying for her exams, surrounded by chocolate wrappers.
The young woman crying at her graduation.

All those years ago seems like a dream now but it really did happen. It was I who made all those choices and decisions that lead me to where I now sit in front of my computer. And if I were to meet myself as that little girl in the polka dot dress or the adolescent struggling through puberty, I would hope that she would be pleased to see how she turned out along the way.

I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life but God has been so good to me such that He has guided me to a lot of good things too, despite myself, and He has helped me learn from my mistakes (hopefully). I may not be the best version of myself at the moment but I do feel like it’s a work in progress and right now, I wouldn’t exchange places with anyone else in the world.

That’s a good place to be in, I think.

TAP

Listening to: Jackie Greene
“I don’t live inside a land forgotten.”

Chicks.

We hyperanalyse, it’s the way we are.

We can sit down and meticulously tear apart every scenario, sentence and word down to the possible meaning of every syllable. With several alternatives.

That’s what chicks do, we think our thoughts out loud and we need female counterparts who will help us to do that.

Such a connection that develops over such venting and analysis can be more intimate than that shared in a shrink’s office. Hence it follows that we can only bond with those whom we trust and feel most comfortable doing it with.

The Analysis Partner (TAP) will therefore need to fulfill the following criteria:

1. Be completely honest with you i.e. If you look fat in that skirt, she will tell you without mincing her words. Better to face humiliation in front of her than from, say, a snickering date.

2. Take your side when you’re in the middle of a venomous rage. Nothing is worse than someone who tries to be the voice of reason while you’re having a bitchfest. Once it’s out and we’re feeling much better, then she comes in with her rationale. It’s much better accepted then. TAPs know this and have consummate timing.

3. Is able to say exactly what you need to hear at the moment that you need to hear it. If you’re feeling low and fat and psychotic, she will sit you down and say, You are completely beautiful and sane in every way and you know it, you’re just going through a phase and I will be here for you until you’re over it. And you know she means it, and that makes everything much more handle-able.

4. Is completely supportive. TAPs will stand by you and listen to your dreams and say, Yes you will be able to marry Wentworth Miller one day, unless I get to him first in which case, all bets are off.

5. She laughs and cries with you. In that sense, you always have someone who feels with you and that makes you feel less alone, and that can be a problem solver all on its own. When you go to TAP with a problem, she buffers you through the entire process by holding your hand and wiping your tears, supporting and validating you until you are ready to throw out the tissues and stand up again, with her right there beside you. The buffering may be either physical or emotion but, whatever form it may take, having it in either capacity is just as effective.

6. Whenever you need a shoulder, she is there, no questions asked.

7. She validates you. There is nothing like a friend who tells you everything that you are and that you can be. Friendships are meant to be healthy and life giving; in that way both parties can grow and mature with one another rather than one stunting the growth of the other by putdowns or emotional invalidation.

8. She keeps confidences. Self-explanatory enough I suppose. The whole point of hyperanalysing with a specific someone is only because you trust them enough to do it with, else you’ll be spilling all to some Jane in the street. Such venting can be very passionate, in the moment and emotional; it needs to be in order for it to be cathartic. The last thing we need is as a result of the venting, is a backblow that comes from an unreliable TAP blabbing all to someone else. And the product of a wagging tongue does come back around.

9. Rational. In analysis situations, the person in the midst of the calamity tends to be most affected by it. This can lead to a case of Blowing Things Wildly Out Of Proportion. TAPs are very important because they have to remain neutral and rational. She is the one who will pull the plug and divert any thoughts you may have of revenge and/or suicide towards more positive and assertive courses of action.

10. Has a sense of humor (optional but preferred). After all, who needs two Sulky Susans in an apparently depressive situation. Approaching it with someone who does it with humor tends to defuse the situation thus making things seem a whole lot less glum.

I know I’ve listed a few things and it’s not in order of importance or preference, they are just things that I’ve learnt from some very valued TAPs of my own. And I know, I’ve tended to use ’she’ and ‘her’ while writing because females tend to fulfill this TAP criteria best. There are however exceptions to the rule and I know a couple of male TAPs who have proven to be wonderfully effective.

However I think it has to be said that the best way to find a good TAP, is to be a good one ourselves.

Do unto others, and all that.

Shiny steeples

Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns covers the following chorus:

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

I’m trying to be a bit more honest about my life and the way I feel when I feel it. I think I’ve lived for so long by sweeping issues and feelings and emotions under the carpet that now that everything is more or less out in the open, I am grappling both with my freedom and the risks associated with transparency.

Of course, with freedom comes boundaries and I’ve learned that though it is a struggle, there are some things that should remain undiscussed – some at least for the moment and others indefinitely.

Honesty and transparency seems to require a specific time, place and discretion. We wouldn’t, for example, think it wise to express all our feelings to everybody in our every waking moment. We also wouldn’t want to hide behind certain feelings but express the opposite ones either. At the same time, we shouldn’t have to apologise for the way we feel when we do choose to express it.

So what I guess I’m trying to say is, it’s a very fine balance and it doesn’t have to be a game just because everybody’s playing it.

If You Say So

Listening to: St. Lola in The Fields
“Unless you want me to, do you want me to?”

Currently Reading: Duma Key by Stephen King

Yes it is true.

I like to wash my hair at one in the morning.
I can (but try not to) finish a Cadbury bar in one sitting.
I enjoy alternative music.
If I can get away without brushing my hair in the morning, I do not.
I cannot hold my alcohol.
I occasionally snort when I laugh.
I am not cool.
I detest dog ears in books. Absolutely. Not. Always. Bookmark.
I babytalk to my dog.
I have never been for a massage.
I manifest verbal diarrhoea syndrome when tired, nervous or overwhelmed.
I sing in the shower.
I can be sarcastic but I immediately regret it and try again. A work in progress.
I cannot tahan Kristin Kreuk / Lana Lang and Horatio Crane.
I make lame jokes and laugh at it even when nobody else is.
I try very hard to be mature but sometimes, it slips away from me.

And yet love me or leave me.

There are things I can work on and others that are just plain me. If I begin to pretend to be what I am not and can never be, then who am I, really?

Now pardon me while I go dry my hair.

So in the words of the wonderful John Mayer
“Better to say too much, than not to say what you need to say.”

Red lights

Sometimes, when God closes a door – as in, firmly latches it shut with no possible way of going through it – I feel grateful because I know He’s going to open a window somewhere, if He hasn’t already done so. No questions asked.

If there is anything I have learned up until this point it is this – sometimes, we can try to be all we can be and still feel like we haven’t accomplished anything. And then, we try to be who God wants us to be, and suddenly the world opens up in front of us and the light comes streaming in as you stare, open mouthed and in awe at the change in your predicament.

When all it took was one decision to stop resisting and to be what you were always meant to be.