Red lights

Sometimes, when God closes a door – as in, firmly latches it shut with no possible way of going through it – I feel grateful because I know He’s going to open a window somewhere, if He hasn’t already done so. No questions asked.

If there is anything I have learned up until this point it is this – sometimes, we can try to be all we can be and still feel like we haven’t accomplished anything. And then, we try to be who God wants us to be, and suddenly the world opens up in front of us and the light comes streaming in as you stare, open mouthed and in awe at the change in your predicament.

When all it took was one decision to stop resisting and to be what you were always meant to be.

Baby proof

Listening to: Ingrid Michaelson
“If you need a light, I’ll find a match.”

I went for my very first Ob/Gyn check up last week simply because my mom felt it was at an appropriate age for me to start going. I don’t know what age that is, I just know I’m close to being a quarter of a century and that’s when things usually start happening I suppose.

It felt really surreal actually, watching all those pregnant, glowing couples walk and in and out of her office and there I was sitting there next to my mother in my jeans and ponytail. I was half afraid they would think I was some wanton young woman “in trouble”.

My doctor however, is so amazing. So… maternal. Very no-nonsense. She swept me into her examination room with inviting smiles which is so unlike those bright sterile places you see on TV where the woman lies back under harsh lights and bares all to some creepy doctor with a speculum.

Her room had this amazing dim lighting, potpourri and plush leather bed next to a monitor and other thingumajigs. She built up my medical history by asking me some basic and erm intimate questions and then did an ultrasound for me. I was in a bit of shock as I stared at the monitor and saw my entire insides staring back at me.

“Good good, this is your uterus, nice and strong.” And she shows me something that looks nothing like a uterus to me but I’ll take her word for it, she’s the one with the medical degree. But nice and strong are good words.

She swept around a little bit more and said, “This is your cervix, good good. Right ovary, perfect size. These are your little eggs…we are born with millions of them.” And although I nodded vigorously, yes yes lovely eggs, I couldn’t really see any, and definitely not ovaries, but once again she’s the doctor.

Then she toggled around a bit and for a moment I was afraid that this was the life changing moment when she announces that she couldn’t find a left ovary and I would be one of those uni-ovarian people (or whatever) but before I had reason to hyperventilate she found it and did her clucking, beautiful eggs thing.

One fallopian tube later and “Perfect,” she said with a huge maternal beam. And then I heard a voice from the corner adding, “Ready for baby.”

I didn’t know whether to die of embarassment or kill myself as I saw that my mother had sneaked into the exam room unnoticed and was grinning from ear to ear as though she could almost see her grandchildren. Unlikely at this point since I don’t even have a boyfriend but I’ll grant her her fantasies.

I thank God I’m in good health though, ovarian and otherwise. And I have to admit when I saw all those couples walking in and out of the office, it was definitely something I want to be able to relate to someday. So I’ll say it right now, I want the babies and the maternal glow and to read ‘What To Expect When You’re Expecting’ and to boss people around and tell them I want sauteed calamari from Italy now and not have them hate me because it is my right as a pregnant hormonal human-carrying vessel.

Call me crazy but my maternal instincts are kicking in these days and it’s not something I can deny just to appear cool and unaffected.

So yes, although there’s so much else that has to happen before we can get to that point, I figure why worry about the future when all we are is in God’s hands and all good things will happen in His timing.

At least I know that even though I may not be ready for baby, my uterus is.

Walk the aisle

I went for my friend’s wedding ceremony the other day. I stood there sweating in my saree in that beautiful church that I had grown up in and watched as one of my good friends walked down the aisle, dressed in her best and was given away to the man to whom she was to spend the rest of her life with.

And I cried out of pure joy for her. Truly, the joy in that church on that day was palpable and overwhelming.

So, though she may never read this, congratulations Sharon.
May God bless the both of you with many beautiful and fruitful years together.

Exchanging hearts

I’ve been avoiding writing this post for some time now. For a little more than a week to be exact. It’s not so much that I’ve been in denial but more so that it’s taken me some time to really come to terms with it. I’ve been living in a shade of surreality for the past week and it’s only now that I’ve strung up the courage to write this.

Barath and I are no longer in a relationship.

Wow. No matter how many times I write that it still looks awkward. Suffice to say that this was probably the hardest decision either of us have ever had to make. And we had to make it a mutual one. It’s one thing to end a relationship with someone when you fall out of love or the other person is being treated badly. It’s quite another thing to have to end a relationship because both parties realise that neither side is able to be, or to give, what the other party wants of them.

The love is still very much there which makes it even harder to give back a heart that you have had in your keeping and nurtured for close to seven years.

I haven’t told a lot of people, simply because, I cannot fathom a way to start that conversation. Still cannot talk about it and keep my eyes dry. Since it happened, I have not been out to hang out with my friends because I just couldn’t talk about it face to face with them. Not without breaking down and embarassing every single one of them and the people around us.

I know a lot of people probably already know about it but I figured by writing this post that I can finally accept it for myself. I guess, the next step after making this decision is taking the next harder step and moving on. A fresh start. Hence the new blog layout. It’s not that I’m trying to erase him from my life – that would be nonsensical since he was such an integral part of it. It’s just something I have to do to even make an attempt at moving on.

The end of our relationship was sort of like a death for me. I guess it also follows that with every death, there has to be a mourning that ensues before life can begin again.

A lot of people ask me how I’m being so strong about this. Trust me, that’s just a facade. There are moments when I feel like my heart is being ripped apart from the pain and the feeling of emptiness is more than I can take. Understanding that this is a process that we both have to go through in order to come out on the other side, does not make it any easier.

I’m glad that at the end, it was mutual and it was amicable. Nothing could have been worse than if it had ended horribly. But hugging him goodbye and knowing that it would be the last time I ever could, was so much more painful than I expected. And I had expected it to be horrible.

I have to say that I will never regret the years that we spent together, we wrote a lot of beautiful chapters together. I just guess that now that God has helped us close those chapters, it is time for Him to write new chapters for us. Life isn’t over, as much as I sometimes feel that it may be.

Thank you to everyone who upon finding out, understood how difficult it was for me to talk about it in person and so took time out to send me texts and find me online to keep me company. Thank you for your kind words and your virtual hugs and your assurances.

Thank you for your prayers; God has been a constant source of strength to me and He is the only one Who has been holding me up through this entire ordeal. He also gave me a family who stands by my side and shares my mad moments and lends me a strength that on my own power, I do not possess. God bless them.

So I guess there’s not that much more to say. But I guess what I will end this with is with a phrase that has given me more strength in the past few days than I could ever imagine.

“Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.” Psalm 125:1

I guess as with all things, this too shall pass and only that which should, shall endure forever.

The Peddler

Listening to: The Fray

“Where were you when everything was falling apart?”

Hey hey peddler
Sell me your stories
Tell me your dreams
Fill me with emotion and heart.

Hey hey peddler on your rusty bike
Carrying your tales of woe
Cry me your tears and feed me some lies
I am in need of respite.

Hey hey peddler there’s still time yet
Always some sunshine for those with a tale
Write me a story and spin me a weave
Add in your heart with a twist of untruth.

Hey hey peddler, going so soon?
I want to learn more
Are there any more stories
In your old tattered bag?

Dollface

Listening to
Clair de Lune by the APM Orchestra

And all the little efforts
Lay spoiled
Like the broken faces of porcelain dolls
With beauty marred, and no hope of repair
The crack remains though sealed to perfection.

The one key that remains out of tune in the midst of a symphony
Barely audible in the cacophony of wonder
Except to the ear that knows its presence

And all the little efforts
To fix the broken pieces into a hard shell
But light will shine through the cracks of a facade
That carefully conceals a life that wants no memory of itself.

It is madness
It is hopelessness
But it is the truth.

The broken keys
Smashed doll faces
The facades of strength -

All our little efforts to pathetically cover
Never fully conceals what is meant to be hidden
They are penetrable, fallible, exhaustible
For we are but human pretending to be gods
Masquerading in a strength that we do not possess.

All our little efforts
To be who we are not
Requires more than just
Our little efforts.

This Jesus

Listening to: Making April
“I’m finding refuge in your eyes.”

Currently reading: Life of Christ by Fulton J. Sheen

I was born and raised a Catholic but to be quite honest, although I have to say that I have always loved Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour I have never quite learned how to respect him for the Person that He is.

Reading Life of Christ has brought to light so many truths that I have merely skimmed over in the pages of the Bible but failed to ponder deeply upon until today. This man that impacted the course of history so greatly such that time would forever be divided into the events that occured before (B.C.) and after His coming (A.D.)

Sheen discusses that Jesus’ entire life’s purpose was His willing and neccesary death. He seemed to be the only man who lived in order to die and yet He did not just live for the sake of dying, as though he were a walking dead haunted only by His eventual death.

Everywhere he went, this Jesus seemed to embody the Being and Love of God Himself. Jesus Christ was a man of great dignity. He spoke the truth at every occasion and he lived among the destitute and cast offs of society. If he was live as a man, he would do so in a way that would allow men of all circumstances to relate to him. And he showed that there was no situation where the Justice and Love of God could not prevail or would be forced to bend to demands of evil.

He taught his disciples all the Truths he had learned from His Father and taught us by example how to handle temptation from the devil – by wielding the Word of God with sure strength, faith and authority. He fought for those whom the world had neglected and abused and Jesus was both Tough Headed and Soft Hearted. Doreen Irvine discusses that this is a neccesary combination as Jesus was swift to uphold the Will and Law of God but was swifter yet to dispense love and mercy when required.

This man turned the world upside down by disputing previous claims and worldly cliches by exhorting men to present their cheeks instead of fists and to love our enemies, rather than hate them. And not only did this man talk the brave talk, he walked the long hard walk to the Cross. He turned his cheeks to those who would abuse him and he prayed for them while they jeered at him, languishing on a cross, naked under the scorching sun, convinced that they had put him there, but unaware that he had gone to the cross with a willing heart for that had been his entire mission.

Jesus Christ was a man of strong will, receptive ears and a soft heart. The devil offered him many detours from the cross but Jesus remained focused. He prayed constantly and consistently showing us the importance of remaining in a close relationship with our Father in Heaven from Whom we can draw certain strength and guidance. Indeed, many a time I have emerged from prayer peaceful, refreshed and strengthened, often equipped with new perspectives and revelations from the Spirit.

Most of all, Jesus was a man of great Love. In fact He embodied Love because he was God’s love for man made flesh in His son. He showed his love for everything and everyone he met, no questions asked. True he reproached those who strayed but only because he sensed where the work of evil reigned supreme and he despised the evil that dragged the beloved children of God through the dregs and pits of darkness.

Jesus revealed many Truths throughout his three year mission and both his death and resurrection lent incredible weight to his words. Suddenly, they weren’t just claims anymore, his words were now Truth. He was the only man whose death did not mark the end of his works and words, in fact they only served to glorify and fulfill them.

Jesus Christ is the only man who claims to be the mediator between man and God. The only one who says that he is the way to God rather than by just pointing a figure and saying, ‘there is your way to God.’ He lived among men but was not merely man – he showed them that it was possible to have a relationship with God because He had now come to live in their hearts, and was not just present as abstract words on a tablet of stone or on the pages of a scroll.

He obeyed His Father and willingly subjected himself to every pitfall of man and emerged victorious.

So if you ask me why I believe in Jesus Christ it is because this is a person that I know I can trust. His very words and actions convince me of this. This is a person I know who can lead me to eternal happiness.

This is a person who can understand my struggles with temptations and my fears and my weaknesses and my pain because this is a man who has experienced it and who tells me it is possible to overcome it and furthermore, that he can help me! This is a person who tells me that he can grant me an audience with my Maker if I just ask it in his name and I believe him because God himself parted the clouds and announced his Sonship very publicly on several occasions.

This is a person who can lead me back to my God. This is a person who defied human expectations and clumsy tradition and misguided attempts at love. This was someone who loved without strings or conditions. I do not need somebody who promises to love me no matter what and then casts me away when I am enmeshed in my own sins.He wasn’t superficial and easily conformed, He stuck to His mission and remained strong in the Lord.

He rebelled against evil and fought for the Kingdom of God with force and authority. That gives me security because who can find stability in a wishy washy reed of a hypocrite that could not dispel evil? This was someone whom demons fled from and nature obeyed without question. Clearly He was God.

This is somebody who never compromised on evil. And I need someone like that who will show me what is black and white and stand by it no matter the cost – sin is sin no matter how gray the world paints it to be. I need that because everything in the world is so contradictory, messed up with the devil’s half truths and whole lies.

Jesus was a classic example of what happens when a man refuses to bend to darkness, all of evil revolts on him. As Sheen says very accurately, evil welcomes mediocrity. This explains why there is so much inner resistance when we seek to live and walk in the Light. You’ve got no chance to survive when you speak the absolute truth in this world. It shuts you down with labels of bigotry and narrow mindedness and silences you with a social death. But this Jesus – he taught the truth, spoke the truth and died for the truth. And then God fulfilled this truth by raising him from his temporal death.

This is a man who promises me a life after death and he did achieve it because who could keep the son of God entombed when He is life itself ? He promises me a respite from my sinful earth bound body by salvation of my eternal soul.

This is a man who had a clear purpose in life which was to do the will of His Father and he stuck by it in pure faith in God. This shows me that all my life is a Purpose waiting to happen. The divine planning invested into Jesus’ birth, life, death and resurrection and thus the deliverance of an entire mankind was too intricate and purposeful to be mere coincidence and chance. No! That life is nothing but coincidence is another lie of the devil.

This Jesus told me that he came so that I may have life and have it to the fullest and I find that when I entrust my life into his keeping, this is exactly what I experience! It is only when I try to run my life on my own that I end up in emotional shambles. Since this man is telling the truth, this seems to be a man I can trust with my life.

Most importantly, this Jesus was not just mere man. He is Divine, the word of God made flesh. Thus this casts an even brighter light on all of his claims! In this light, he is not just a good man who trusted his god. This is the Divine Son of God, who gave up His inheritance and came down to my level for no other reason than to buy my freedom and give me life because He loved me.

He teaches me such wondrous things that my weak human mind is not worthy of and that my shallow understanding will never to be able to grasp anyway. So to help me, He sent me His Spirit to help me, to reveal the truths of the Spirit of God to my own Spirit.

He gave me all of Himself and all that He asks is that I trust Him. Not for any carnal satisfaction of power but because that is the Only Way by which I can fully live out my inheritance as a daughter of God.

This Jesus.
Even as a man, I would gladly trust him with my life.

But He is also God.
And as such, I would also trust Him with my death.

Pay it Foward

The following is a challenge from one of my friends who blogs at http://alamanda-intheclassroom.blogspot.com/

It’s called a pay-it-forward handmade freebie giveaway and basically the first 5 commenters who comment here and post an equivalent on their own blog gets something handmade from me by the end of the year.

Now, the reason I hesitated was because (A) I DO NOT DO handmade stuff simply because well, I suck. I have zero creativity and not a single bone of artsiness in me. But since I’m trying to get into the habit of getting out of my comfort zone and actually doing new stuff and I’m sure I will not get the comments anyway I’m game. So let’s do this.

I haven’t decided what I’ll make yet, in order not to count them chickens, I’ll see what the response is like before I start cracking. And I promise I won’t bake anything because I don’t wanna be responsible for deaths and all

If I do, I’ll taste a batch first

The Point

Listening to: Powderfinger
“Black tears on a red rock. They fall right through and they dry up.”

My brother had some gastric pains the other day and he said to me, “Now I know why you girls get so moody when you  get your period.”

I said to him:  Brother, you have no idea.

And I began to describe to him in full detail exactly what females go through monthly and how a shot of Zantac and a Coke doesn’t help. I even covered back aches, head aches, mood swings, embarassing gas, cramping, depression, feeling like shit and usually blaming it all on something small and otherwise insignificant.

After that speech I couldn’t be prouder to be a woman. And considering the pain he was going through, I think my brother was grateful that he wasn’t.

You know, I thought this post was going to have a point.

Pinkie swear.

Order up

Hello all.

First off, my internet connection is BEYOND SUCKY and it will be a wonder if I remain on long enough to publish this post so TAD, if you’re reading this, you’ll know why I can’t come online. Please email me the details and I’ll try to find WiFi somewhere and get back to you. Sorry for the delay.

Secondly, I’m alive.

I’ve been reading Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus in an effort to understood more about the male psyche and why they can be such twits but instead found out more about my own psyche and already halfway into the book, it has explained three quarters of our previous fights and it wasn’t as complex as I thought it was. It is simply because men and women are so completely different in thought, emotion and processing faculties. Fantastic. So I am not a complete bitch and he isn’t a total twit. We’re just from opposite sexes. Woohoo!

On other news, Cranium is awesomeawesome. If you haven’t played it, you should. A bunch of us got together on the public holiday and played three rounds plus a Taboo session and by dinner I had a headache, it was quite mentally challenging, but awesomeawesome.

And has anybody else noticed that Lent is just soooooo long? 45 days including Sundays makes it about 6 weeks plus change. And it’s only now that they’ve happily changed the McDonalds’ value meal lunch time specials from weekdays to Now Every Day! And that special reminder is displayed on every TV ad, bus, billboard and magazine. Satan must be working on overtime. The bastard.

I was going through my old photos on Picassa today and it’s like, Who WAS I and had I not heard of a groomer or a fashion statement or HEELS? Then again, I think it’s one of those things where in five years I’m sure I’ll look back at my current pictures and think OMG, WHO WAS I AND DID I ACTUALLY THINK THAT DRESS WAS A GOOD IDEA?

As long as the wrinkles stay away. I think I’ll only welcome wrinkles when I’m 59.

By the way, if America is a good nation and vote appropriately for Idol, I’m pretty sure Adam Lambert has a good shot of making it. Plus with the new Judge’s Save card, even if he is booted off, I’m sure he’ll be okay. Also, I hope Paula Abdul stops orgasming/crying/stammering/predicting winners every time Adam Lambert performs or it’s gonna be a long 10 weeks.

I think it might be a toss up between Adam Lambert, Lil Rounds and Danny Gokey. In that order.
And forgive me for being totally biased but I love Anoop and he’s oh so cute, I hope he picks good songs at least for awhile because let’s face it, they made it a Top 13 for him so he better appreciate the heck out of it and DELIVER.

Put me in a room with that boy and he will (insert dirty and most intented pun here)

Anyway here’s to Easter and a return of my meat and alcohol and french fries and Coke.
In that order.